I got a few surprises this week at my 3-month follow-up. I'm anemic again, due to the many viral infections lately my doctor said. And my immunoglobulins (IG's) are low again. Even lower than in January when I needed the two infusions of IG's. So I might be needing a few more.
And since I'm still waiting for the final results of my CT scan last week, this morning my mind was wandering. Trying out different scenarios. My preferred scenario would be that nothing has changed, all the lymph nodes from groin to neck are stable and not growing. That's what I was expecting.
But a different radiologist (a D.O. actually, which is Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine; supposedly similar to an M.D.) had interpreted last week's CT scan results and included some really confusing statements about whether two of the nodes between my lungs had grown. Or not. My oncologist didn't even know the answer. So he's been trying to contact this D.O. to find out. Did she just measure differently than the M.D. did in January? Or did the nodes actually increase in size over the past six months?
Now, we're talking millimeters here. Maybe even a centimeter. But even that small of a difference could be extremely immense, to me -- if it's an increase in size.
So that got my mind to wandering between the immensities this morning. If there was some kind of measuring issue and nothing has grown, then I could feel really happy, overjoyed, and immensely relieved. On the other hand, if the two nodes in the previously most problematic area between the lungs had started growing again, that would mean a relapse and a return of cancer activity. At which point I'd probably feel shocked and disappointed (what about my 92% chance of staying in remission for 5 years?), turned upset down again, and hugely anxious about what my next steps should be.
My mind starts reviewing all the different options out there - not only in conventional treatments (of which I can only think of about four at this point in time -- more "watchful waiting", more tests, maintenance of one of the chemo drugs, or possibilities I don't yet know of).
The options increase dramatically for alternative healing. While there are some specific pathways in common (like types of diet, detoxing, supplements, de-stressing, finding joy, etc.), the deviations seem nearly endless. Studies done on survivors who undergo radical remissions with natural healing show that using one's intuition about what is needed is important. Luckily, that's one area I feel pretty comfortable with. Under normal circumstances anyway.
Yet my thoughts this morning were also along the lines of....what if I didn't care what the result was? What if I just stayed happy and joyful no matter what. This is the gift of having cancer, I believe. It causes us (not all of us, but many of us) in our desire to "heal" to go through changes at every level possible: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Would I have done all that I have (so far -- there's more to go) had I not gotten the diagnosis? Probably not. At least, not within two years!
Well, if the possibility of a relapse didn't bother me I might be some kind of saint I imagine. But I really like the idea of not letting anything sway me (even if I have to kick and scream for awhile).
Because the end result, either way, is that I'll keep putting much of my energy - as I do now - toward healing (whatever that means to me and my lifestyle). If there's a relapse, then I'll just be doing a little extra work perhaps or maybe doing different things altogether. But all toward the same goal. A good friend of mine recently said: "I can see how surviving is all-consuming." That it is.
But I like the idea of keeping stability and balance, comfort, joy, and definitely peace. Even while pondering the immensities of life.
--Adele Sonora
Down the Path of Cancer
And since I'm still waiting for the final results of my CT scan last week, this morning my mind was wandering. Trying out different scenarios. My preferred scenario would be that nothing has changed, all the lymph nodes from groin to neck are stable and not growing. That's what I was expecting.
But a different radiologist (a D.O. actually, which is Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine; supposedly similar to an M.D.) had interpreted last week's CT scan results and included some really confusing statements about whether two of the nodes between my lungs had grown. Or not. My oncologist didn't even know the answer. So he's been trying to contact this D.O. to find out. Did she just measure differently than the M.D. did in January? Or did the nodes actually increase in size over the past six months?
Now, we're talking millimeters here. Maybe even a centimeter. But even that small of a difference could be extremely immense, to me -- if it's an increase in size.
So that got my mind to wandering between the immensities this morning. If there was some kind of measuring issue and nothing has grown, then I could feel really happy, overjoyed, and immensely relieved. On the other hand, if the two nodes in the previously most problematic area between the lungs had started growing again, that would mean a relapse and a return of cancer activity. At which point I'd probably feel shocked and disappointed (what about my 92% chance of staying in remission for 5 years?), turned upset down again, and hugely anxious about what my next steps should be.
My mind starts reviewing all the different options out there - not only in conventional treatments (of which I can only think of about four at this point in time -- more "watchful waiting", more tests, maintenance of one of the chemo drugs, or possibilities I don't yet know of).
The options increase dramatically for alternative healing. While there are some specific pathways in common (like types of diet, detoxing, supplements, de-stressing, finding joy, etc.), the deviations seem nearly endless. Studies done on survivors who undergo radical remissions with natural healing show that using one's intuition about what is needed is important. Luckily, that's one area I feel pretty comfortable with. Under normal circumstances anyway.
Yet my thoughts this morning were also along the lines of....what if I didn't care what the result was? What if I just stayed happy and joyful no matter what. This is the gift of having cancer, I believe. It causes us (not all of us, but many of us) in our desire to "heal" to go through changes at every level possible: physical, emotional, and spiritual. Would I have done all that I have (so far -- there's more to go) had I not gotten the diagnosis? Probably not. At least, not within two years!
Well, if the possibility of a relapse didn't bother me I might be some kind of saint I imagine. But I really like the idea of not letting anything sway me (even if I have to kick and scream for awhile).
Because the end result, either way, is that I'll keep putting much of my energy - as I do now - toward healing (whatever that means to me and my lifestyle). If there's a relapse, then I'll just be doing a little extra work perhaps or maybe doing different things altogether. But all toward the same goal. A good friend of mine recently said: "I can see how surviving is all-consuming." That it is.
But I like the idea of keeping stability and balance, comfort, joy, and definitely peace. Even while pondering the immensities of life.
--Adele Sonora
Down the Path of Cancer
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