The Immensities

Two weeks ago on Tuesday, I woke up and knew it was time.  This was the day I'd call the vet and take my 16-year old cat "Birdie" in for a hospice consult.  In reality, it was a euthanasia consult.  But I didn't want to call it that because then I might not be able to go through with it.  And I had to. 

Listening for birds...
 

Birdie had a very fast-growing tumor in his throat and neck that in only 3 weeks went from the size of a large grape to a solid collar around his neck.  I watched him carefully everyday for signs of struggle (like choking) and kept him as comfortable as possible.  Amazingly, he kept up all his normal routines (which were many), even eating the best he could during the several weeks the tumor grew daily.  At least I didn't have to take him in until 4:30 that day.  So there were a few more hours to say goodbye, as I had been doing for 3 weeks.  And appreciate his steadfast presence over the years.

Later that morning at 9:00 a.m., I heard the joyous news that my niece Marina had given birth to her first daughter in North Carolina!  News made all the sweeter because of Marina's previous difficulties in pregnancy.  "Willow Quinn Nicholson" is my sister's first granddaughter, my first grandniece, and everyone was ecstatic.  A new baby in the family is always such lovely news and so welcome. 



My grandniece....Willow Quinn Nicholson.... born to my niece
Marina and her husband Josh in North Carolina.

Birdie was just a baby when I rescued him at only 3 weeks old.  The scrawny parasite-ridden thing had been abandoned in a school parking lot.  I had to feed him from a bottle at first and it took the vets at Acorn several tries to get him to survive.  But live he did.  As one of the special orange tabbies, he had attitude to spare and was a fighter. 

As am I, it turns out.  About 11:30 a.m. on that same morning, I was at my 3-month follow-up with my oncologist.  The previous week was a PET scan -- the glucose uptake scan that detects any cancer activity in the body.  Dr. Kiwan announced that it was completely normal, which is always great news!  And not only that, in 6 more months after another CT scan, which would detect any size changes in lymph nodes, I won't need any more scans.  The riskiest time for relapse will be over -- the first two years after treatment.  So I'm doing really really well. 

And I actually feel really good now!  Once it got figured out that I had a drug allergy causing much difficulty over the fall and part of the winter, I feel better than I have in years.  I've been weight-lifting and even started running again.  I haven't run for years even though I tried many times unsuccessfully.  Having run track in college (800 meters), I loved running!  And over the years have fantasized about running again.  So I'm ecstatic about how well things are going, in so many ways. 

As I continued to reflect during that day, Birdie's life had gone very well.  He'd lived a long 16 years, and had been with me through many significant phases of my life.  From working as a public outreach specialist (a writing job I loved), becoming an artist, still working as a massage therapist, then retiring from corporate life, a nerve pain condition and health difficulties, going back to my first passion of nutrition and helping others with their health (as well as myself), then the past few years a lymphoma diagnosis and chemo treatments.  And now being well again. 



Birdie with his favorite
blankets.

Birdie was there through it all -- his routines embedded in mine because he wanted to be where I was.  He greeted me at the door every time I came home, was on my lap for every meditation and channeling session, and would only eat if I was present. He was also sensitive and wouldn't be groomed, wouldn't meow (except to make chirping noises when he heard birds outside), didn't like to be petted, and generally took life on his own terms.  He did what made him happy -- no more and no less.  He loved peanut butter, microfleece blankets, and his good friend Kingsee -- also rescued from being abandoned by a neighbor.  

Birdie and Kingsee were best
napping buddies.



At the end of that long day, I took Birdie back to Acorn Clinic -- where he first began his life in a sense.  The vet confirmed that it was indeed time.  The tumor around his neck, probably a sarcoma (one of the worst kinds), was already affecting his breathing.  I knew that taking him in would be a sad sad business -- euthanizing a beloved pet always is.  It seems near impossible to do! Yet it must be done if it can save the animal from suffering needlessly.  It was time for Birdie to go back "home". 

Because the day ended with my special kitty friend's death, there's no way I could feel joyful, even with all the wonderful news of the day that I was so grateful for.  In the end, it simply reminded me of the old Irish story of a man asking his friends "How are you?"  

"What way are you Paddy?"
In sepulchral tones, "Perpendicular, no more".

"What way are you Jack?"
"Keeping the best side out, like the broken bowl in the dresser."

"Jim, what way are you?"
"If I felt any better I'd see a doctor."

"What way are you Vincent?"
"Stumbling along between the immensities."
"What immensities?"
"The immensities of birth and death."


--by Adele Sonora
www.thepathofcancer.blogspot.com





 

Bit of a Snafu

I got a few surprises this week at my 3-month follow-up.  I'm anemic again, due to the many viral infections lately my doctor said.  And my immunoglobulins (IG's) are low again.  Even lower than in January when I needed the two infusions of IG's.  So I might be needing a few more. 

And since I'm still waiting for the final results of my CT scan last week, this morning my mind was wandering.  Trying out different scenarios.  My preferred scenario would be that nothing has changed, all the lymph nodes from groin to neck are stable and not growing.  That's what I was expecting.

Scanxiety

When it's time to get the follow-up CT scan every 6 months, one word pretty much sums up the feeling.  Scanxiety. 

A couple weeks before the date, it's just a small feeling, a gentle observation that the day is coming.  But as the week before draws nearer, the feeling builds and anxiety starts in.  It all focuses on just one tormenting question. 

"What if...." 

A Delicate Time

This update is long overdue. I've been mulling over what I could say that might be new and interesting.  And came to the conclusion that the past six months have been kind of a wordless grey area. 

One of the few watercolors
I've finished lately.  Part of a
series of sacred structures.

To be honest, it's been a long slow slog through unchartered waters.

Reorganizing

The day after Christmas was my one-year anniversary of starting chemotherapy.  That seemed a pretty good day to post an update, which I was planning to do.  Except I woke up with the flu.  Again. 

A lot of resting going on
at my house these days.

November and December brought a barrage of colds and flus.  After doing so well this summer, even with the slow recovery, it was disappointing.  Moreso because I still wear the face mask everywhere!  Well, almost everywhere.  And it's the "almost" that got me into trouble.  Every time I didn't wear it, I was sick within two days.  So frustrating.  However, no storm lasts forever I kept telling myself so I was still hopeful. 

Then I hit a snag. 

One Year to Recover

A year to recover from chemo is a lot longer than I was planning on.  That's what my oncologist said last month in my follow-up visit.  The fatigue component would be at least 6 months.  And since it's been two months since finishing my six-round treatment, that gives me a ways to go. 

Not to mention that some of the side effects, any of them, could linger.   The fatigue and intermittent body aching are still the worst residuals for me.

On the plus side, my doctor also went down a long list of possible side effects that I could still be having - and I didn't have any of them!  I also feel a ton better than just a few months ago.  Some ups and downs, yes.  Mostly because my red blood cells plummeted last month and I became more anemic than even during chemo!  And much more tired.  Like a windup doll who just wound down. 

This was quite a surprise to me!  But when I looked at what I'd been eating the month before, it wasn't as much of a surprise.  I had dropped off my most iron-rich foods like grass-fed beef and spinach.  Once I got back on those in a big way, I started feeling gradually better in a matter of days. 

A recent haul from my
garden, as the summer
winds down

That was a good lesson.  To see that just because I did so well during chemo, there were reasons for that.  Hey, I'm not naturally that solid or physically unflappable.  All the foods as medicine and supplements really played a part.  Even so, it's still a little shocking even for me, a nutrition scientist, to see the direct correlation between diet, outcome, and function.

I wanted to say a few words about my amazing oncologist, Dr. Kiwan at Sutter Cancer Center in Sacramento.  At my follow-up visit last month, after getting through all the medical-type questions, he then asked me: 

So, what do you plan to do with your life now? 

I was so touched by his question, not just because he was a doctor actually asking me about my life, but because I could tell he "knew" what the cancer ordeal is all about.  One, if there's hope you're going to live for awhile, the big question then becomes, "What shall I do with myself, and the rest of this life?"  What do I WANT to do with my life"? 



I need a little time
on the beach to
figure things out.

These are questions that we all could be, and even should be, asking ourselves on a regular basis.  But do we?  I don't think so.  We're too caught up in the daily routine of life -- making a living, taking care of kids, dealing with all the little crises that come up, and on and on. 

I told him that I felt some big changes were needed in my life.  That cancer surely must be a transformative illness and needs to be treated that way.  He said, "Good!"  All my patients who do the best make a lot of changes." 

And that's pretty much what all my reading and research tell me about cancer survivors.  The folks who recover the most fully let themselves be guided to whatever needs changing in their lives.  So, that's my mission now from this point forward.  I'm not sure what all is in store just yet, but I have a few blossoming ideas that I'll share later.  Dietary, exercise, and health-habit changes are only the beginning.  The emotional, spiritual, and social components need to be covered as well.  Whew. 

It's still a bit overwhelming at times, to be honest.  I hope I can be one of those who does whatever it takes, without becoming complacent when faced with making some even bigger changes in my life. 

In the meantime, onward!  At this point, every 3 months I go in for a check-up, and every 6 months a CT scan.  Based on how I was at diagnosis, and the fact I'm now in full remission from the slow-growing follicular lymphoma, gives me a 92% chance of staying in remission for 5 years.  Now that's pretty darn good news! 

-Adele Sonora
 

How to Make A Beautiful Life

Love yourself.

MAKE PEACE with who you are
     and where you are
               at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.

If you can't hear what it's saying
     in this noisy world,
          MAKE TIME for yourself.

Enjoy your own company.
          Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.

     MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
               and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.

               The next rock in your path might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.

When you don't yet have what you want,
          want what you have.
                     MAKE DO.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

 There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
     You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
          To know where you're going
                     is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.

And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
          The people who love you will find you.
                    Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.
           it's what you do with time
and with all the goodness and grace
                     that's inside you.

MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...
                  The kind of life you deserve.


          * * * * * * * * * *
These words were on a birthday card my Dad sent me a couple years ago.  I was so touched that I saved the card, and just recently came across it -- soon after I learned, last week, that after 6 months of chemo, I"m in full remission!  My PET scan from last week showed I"m completely clear of cancer right now.   

Oh What A Relief It Is. 


-Adele Sonora